See that post two down called-Ha

Well that post was full of some good and some bad information. We were in fact pregnant and I do have support but I was not as pulled together as I claimed. That was a blow that rocked my entire world and I wasn't honest with anyone about how much it hurt except for my hubby. I got hurt by a lot of people and they probably have or had no clue. So, I guess I've no one to blame except myself for pretending to be ok and assuming those close to me, that know my situation and everything I've been through would know how hurt I was. I shouldn't have assumed. So, here is the honest truth: being pregnant and having a miscarriage broke me into a million pieces, I think about it almost everyday, sometimes seeing babies at work and hearing them makes me go to the bathroom and cry, I'm jealous of every pregnant woman I see, and to this day I'm not sure how to make it all better. I'm sad and I'm still hopeful.

Raining

It's raining outside and it's perfect. I feel like rain right now. I'm sad, quiet, and want to be left alone and the rain suits me just fine. It's beautiful falling, like a renewal, hopefully it will wash away some of this sadness I'm feeling. My hubby and I should be arguing over who to tell first about our exciting news but instead we've shared the bad news already. This month has passed so quickly. I didn't even realize it had been thirty days. Guess I should have, the way I keep track of things. I'm surprised how sad I still am. I'm not mad anymore, I've accepted what happened. I'm fully ready to move on, everyone else has moved on. Life is funny, it just keeps happening whether you're ready or not. Deep breath. Forward motion. Try not to look back...

Ha

That's really all I can say for the whole, I'm going to blog more. Ha! I'd love to but most of the time I'm just not up for it. But I will say the hubby and I've done the impossible and it didn't work out in our favor but has certainly renewed our hopes. We were pregnant, but now we are not. I was devastated, fortunately I have a wonderful hubby and fantastic supportive family who helped get me through it. Now we just move forward and hope and pray for the best because obviously miracles do happen.

Update

I'm done feeling sorry for myself for a bit so I'll try to brighter, tis the season and all that. I love Christmas time, spending time with friends and family, eating, giving gifts, and of course remembering the real reason for the season. It's also a rough time of year because there are babies everywhere (sitting on santa's lap, screaming in strollers in the mall and at Target-hmmm silver lining perhaps?). Work has been terribly busy, everyone wants a loan and I just finished tax classes so, I'm so ready for a break. We are doing our faux Christmas in Asheville this weekend and then next weekend we head to Georgia to celebrate Christmas. It will be so nice to spend the holidays with my wonderful family (especially my nephews and nieces-the second best thing to having my own and just to relax. But come January it will be time to start trying again.

So, come January 5th (happy b-day daddy) I'm starting the South Beach Diet and probably acupuncture. It's kind of our last swing at trying to get pregnant without injections and dr appointments. If anyone has any other natural suggestions here is your forum to suggest. I usually don't ask but we're up for anything at this point. Oh and if anyone wants to join in the diet I'd love the support (I don't want to suffer alone). Let me know who's in. Have a happy holiday season and I'll try to update more often.

Side note: anyone else LOVING the Sing Off????

Living Life in a 28-30 Day Cycle

(This post contains a lot of personal info, so read with caution.)

I've been living the past four years in a 28-30 day cycle. It starts off with me being full of hope, energized and ready to start anew. I start off focused, positive, lower my caffeine take, praying, hopeful, and ready to try. I time everything out, I know exactly what day I'm on in this cycle (even though I try to forget about it). I know what days we must try (even when we are taking a month off). Then I know when the waiting starts and I wait impatiently. Even though I know there's a negative answer coming, I still anticipate the answer. I hope, I pray, I hope, I wait, I pray some more, I pretend I don't care and I continue to wait. I fill the void, the never ending void, with food, clothes, TV shows, books, electronic gadgets, and anything else that will distract me for five minutes. I smile, I laugh, I listen, I give advice, I have polite conversation, and I work. I pretend I'm normal, I pretend nothing is wrong. I pretend it's not all I can think about. But it rings in my ears, it screams, when it's quiet it's all I can hear. All I can feel is the void, what's not there, what I want, what I can't have. It wears me out, makes me so tired, it stretches me thin. And then it happens, the failure, the let down, the heartache, the end of the cycle. It always happens, the answer is always no. At the end of the cycle the outcome hasn't changed, there's been nothing to hope for. I'm let down, I've let my husband down, and I've failed. It's a huge blow every 28-30 days (sometimes up to 33 days, because my body likes to get in on the hurt too). And it's been the same for almost 4 years now, almost 48 cycles. This is where I am, this is how I feel, and this is what never changes.

I can tell you for approximately the last four years when I'm supposed to get my period, when I am supposed to ovulate, when my two week wait is, and when I'm supposed to try. I can tell you every time I've failed, every month it hasn't happened. I can tell you without fail that if I'm 2-3 days late I'll pee on a stick and cry when there a negative result. I can also tell you that about four hours after peeing on a stick I'll get my period because it happens every time. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm running out of hope, I'm beaten down, and it sucks. It's awful. I hate it. And I know someone who feels exactly like I do and I love him so much it just makes the pain that much worse. There's nothing to say, nothing to take the pain away, it is what it is. And that is what makes it hurt the worst.

Look who's still alive...me!!

Oh, I'm in a great place this morning which is kind of unusual for me. It's Friday and I've got a wonderful weekend planned. Saturday, I get to watch my four favorite children (my three nephews and niece). Sunday, I'm going hiking with one of my best friends and husband. I'm excited and thankful to have time and energy to do this stuff.

I spend a ton of time worrying about what I don't have, what I want. Often times I feel like no one else in the world understand my frustrations especially with the infertility stuff and then I get reminded my life isn't so bad. First off, if we had kids we couldn't pick up and go at a moments notice. We couldn't go to the Rally to Restore Sanity at the end of the month (which I'm so happy to be attending, LOVE John Stewart), we couldn't plan random weekend trips, dinners out during the week, buy whatever we want whenever (well, ok used books and dvds, we can't buy WHATEVER we want). I guess what I'm saying is I'm learning to be happy with where we are and what we are doing. I'm trying to stop focusing on what we don't have. And reading other people's blogs who are in the same place really helps. And leaning on my husband helps the most.

I know I'm lucky. Some people don't even have the relationship I have with my husband. Some people are searching for jobs, struggling to hold on to their houses, struggling to hold on to their marriage. My worst problem is that I can't have the family I want right now. But there's always hope, there's always the future. I have the husband, the house, great parents, sister, and in laws, stable job, great health and a really cute cat. I have a ton to be thankful for, I shouldn't be so greedy. Our time will come, I know it will. The hubby and I are a family and hopefully one day we can expand. So, at least for today, I'm thankful. I hope the feeling lasts : )

Weekend Update

Hubby and I have been working on cleaning up our house for the past few weeks and it's coming along but this past Saturday was the day I've been dreading most, the yard. I hate bugs, dirt, plants, grass, pollen, and most of all, I hate yard work. But, we own the house now and apparently people won't just come along randomly do the work for you (who knew I'd ever miss an apartment). When I was young I was too small to push a lawn mower, I did do a great job of spreading daisy seeds across our lawn though. (I watch a gardening show w/my dad and the guy on tv told me all I had to do was throw the dead daisies in the yard and they would grow. It worked and my dad told me he never realized I was the reason the yard was covered in sporadic daisies.) Anyway, the point is really, that I hate yard work.

We started out at about 8 am working in the yard. We were weeding the back, cutting the grass, trimming trees etc forever. The high light of this work turned out to be the three baby rabbits we found in a hole in the ground in our side yard. They were so cute, but they yelled at me when I accidentally tried to dig up their home, jeez touchy, touchy. So, now we have a cleared yard sans one little area that is a bunny reserve for now (I have to keep my sister in law away from them, she hates rabbits as much as I hate yard work). Once we finish the yard and house we might actually be ready for the 15-20 people who might show up for the shower we're giving for my SIL. I'm actually pretty excited about that.

Sunday was spent napping and complaining about my sore hips and fingernails (yes, my fingernails hurt) from working outside.