See that post two down called-Ha

Well that post was full of some good and some bad information. We were in fact pregnant and I do have support but I was not as pulled together as I claimed. That was a blow that rocked my entire world and I wasn't honest with anyone about how much it hurt except for my hubby. I got hurt by a lot of people and they probably have or had no clue. So, I guess I've no one to blame except myself for pretending to be ok and assuming those close to me, that know my situation and everything I've been through would know how hurt I was. I shouldn't have assumed. So, here is the honest truth: being pregnant and having a miscarriage broke me into a million pieces, I think about it almost everyday, sometimes seeing babies at work and hearing them makes me go to the bathroom and cry, I'm jealous of every pregnant woman I see, and to this day I'm not sure how to make it all better. I'm sad and I'm still hopeful.

Raining

It's raining outside and it's perfect. I feel like rain right now. I'm sad, quiet, and want to be left alone and the rain suits me just fine. It's beautiful falling, like a renewal, hopefully it will wash away some of this sadness I'm feeling. My hubby and I should be arguing over who to tell first about our exciting news but instead we've shared the bad news already. This month has passed so quickly. I didn't even realize it had been thirty days. Guess I should have, the way I keep track of things. I'm surprised how sad I still am. I'm not mad anymore, I've accepted what happened. I'm fully ready to move on, everyone else has moved on. Life is funny, it just keeps happening whether you're ready or not. Deep breath. Forward motion. Try not to look back...

Ha

That's really all I can say for the whole, I'm going to blog more. Ha! I'd love to but most of the time I'm just not up for it. But I will say the hubby and I've done the impossible and it didn't work out in our favor but has certainly renewed our hopes. We were pregnant, but now we are not. I was devastated, fortunately I have a wonderful hubby and fantastic supportive family who helped get me through it. Now we just move forward and hope and pray for the best because obviously miracles do happen.

Update

I'm done feeling sorry for myself for a bit so I'll try to brighter, tis the season and all that. I love Christmas time, spending time with friends and family, eating, giving gifts, and of course remembering the real reason for the season. It's also a rough time of year because there are babies everywhere (sitting on santa's lap, screaming in strollers in the mall and at Target-hmmm silver lining perhaps?). Work has been terribly busy, everyone wants a loan and I just finished tax classes so, I'm so ready for a break. We are doing our faux Christmas in Asheville this weekend and then next weekend we head to Georgia to celebrate Christmas. It will be so nice to spend the holidays with my wonderful family (especially my nephews and nieces-the second best thing to having my own and just to relax. But come January it will be time to start trying again.

So, come January 5th (happy b-day daddy) I'm starting the South Beach Diet and probably acupuncture. It's kind of our last swing at trying to get pregnant without injections and dr appointments. If anyone has any other natural suggestions here is your forum to suggest. I usually don't ask but we're up for anything at this point. Oh and if anyone wants to join in the diet I'd love the support (I don't want to suffer alone). Let me know who's in. Have a happy holiday season and I'll try to update more often.

Side note: anyone else LOVING the Sing Off????

Living Life in a 28-30 Day Cycle

(This post contains a lot of personal info, so read with caution.)

I've been living the past four years in a 28-30 day cycle. It starts off with me being full of hope, energized and ready to start anew. I start off focused, positive, lower my caffeine take, praying, hopeful, and ready to try. I time everything out, I know exactly what day I'm on in this cycle (even though I try to forget about it). I know what days we must try (even when we are taking a month off). Then I know when the waiting starts and I wait impatiently. Even though I know there's a negative answer coming, I still anticipate the answer. I hope, I pray, I hope, I wait, I pray some more, I pretend I don't care and I continue to wait. I fill the void, the never ending void, with food, clothes, TV shows, books, electronic gadgets, and anything else that will distract me for five minutes. I smile, I laugh, I listen, I give advice, I have polite conversation, and I work. I pretend I'm normal, I pretend nothing is wrong. I pretend it's not all I can think about. But it rings in my ears, it screams, when it's quiet it's all I can hear. All I can feel is the void, what's not there, what I want, what I can't have. It wears me out, makes me so tired, it stretches me thin. And then it happens, the failure, the let down, the heartache, the end of the cycle. It always happens, the answer is always no. At the end of the cycle the outcome hasn't changed, there's been nothing to hope for. I'm let down, I've let my husband down, and I've failed. It's a huge blow every 28-30 days (sometimes up to 33 days, because my body likes to get in on the hurt too). And it's been the same for almost 4 years now, almost 48 cycles. This is where I am, this is how I feel, and this is what never changes.

I can tell you for approximately the last four years when I'm supposed to get my period, when I am supposed to ovulate, when my two week wait is, and when I'm supposed to try. I can tell you every time I've failed, every month it hasn't happened. I can tell you without fail that if I'm 2-3 days late I'll pee on a stick and cry when there a negative result. I can also tell you that about four hours after peeing on a stick I'll get my period because it happens every time. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm running out of hope, I'm beaten down, and it sucks. It's awful. I hate it. And I know someone who feels exactly like I do and I love him so much it just makes the pain that much worse. There's nothing to say, nothing to take the pain away, it is what it is. And that is what makes it hurt the worst.

Look who's still alive...me!!

Oh, I'm in a great place this morning which is kind of unusual for me. It's Friday and I've got a wonderful weekend planned. Saturday, I get to watch my four favorite children (my three nephews and niece). Sunday, I'm going hiking with one of my best friends and husband. I'm excited and thankful to have time and energy to do this stuff.

I spend a ton of time worrying about what I don't have, what I want. Often times I feel like no one else in the world understand my frustrations especially with the infertility stuff and then I get reminded my life isn't so bad. First off, if we had kids we couldn't pick up and go at a moments notice. We couldn't go to the Rally to Restore Sanity at the end of the month (which I'm so happy to be attending, LOVE John Stewart), we couldn't plan random weekend trips, dinners out during the week, buy whatever we want whenever (well, ok used books and dvds, we can't buy WHATEVER we want). I guess what I'm saying is I'm learning to be happy with where we are and what we are doing. I'm trying to stop focusing on what we don't have. And reading other people's blogs who are in the same place really helps. And leaning on my husband helps the most.

I know I'm lucky. Some people don't even have the relationship I have with my husband. Some people are searching for jobs, struggling to hold on to their houses, struggling to hold on to their marriage. My worst problem is that I can't have the family I want right now. But there's always hope, there's always the future. I have the husband, the house, great parents, sister, and in laws, stable job, great health and a really cute cat. I have a ton to be thankful for, I shouldn't be so greedy. Our time will come, I know it will. The hubby and I are a family and hopefully one day we can expand. So, at least for today, I'm thankful. I hope the feeling lasts : )

Weekend Update

Hubby and I have been working on cleaning up our house for the past few weeks and it's coming along but this past Saturday was the day I've been dreading most, the yard. I hate bugs, dirt, plants, grass, pollen, and most of all, I hate yard work. But, we own the house now and apparently people won't just come along randomly do the work for you (who knew I'd ever miss an apartment). When I was young I was too small to push a lawn mower, I did do a great job of spreading daisy seeds across our lawn though. (I watch a gardening show w/my dad and the guy on tv told me all I had to do was throw the dead daisies in the yard and they would grow. It worked and my dad told me he never realized I was the reason the yard was covered in sporadic daisies.) Anyway, the point is really, that I hate yard work.

We started out at about 8 am working in the yard. We were weeding the back, cutting the grass, trimming trees etc forever. The high light of this work turned out to be the three baby rabbits we found in a hole in the ground in our side yard. They were so cute, but they yelled at me when I accidentally tried to dig up their home, jeez touchy, touchy. So, now we have a cleared yard sans one little area that is a bunny reserve for now (I have to keep my sister in law away from them, she hates rabbits as much as I hate yard work). Once we finish the yard and house we might actually be ready for the 15-20 people who might show up for the shower we're giving for my SIL. I'm actually pretty excited about that.

Sunday was spent napping and complaining about my sore hips and fingernails (yes, my fingernails hurt) from working outside.

In which I almost get killed, and I appreciated it. . .

Last night we had an awesome night, a date night. For Valentine's day (even though we agreed not to get each other gifts) my wonderful hubby bought tickets for us to go see Ben Folds and the NC Symphony. We went to eat at Dos Taquitos, it was awesome (I had steak tacos with black beans and rice and I ate until I was super fat). Then we walked across downtown to get to the Progress Energy Center and that's when it happened. The crosswalk turned green for me to walk and I stepped onto the street and almost got run over by a green SUV turning right on a red. I turned to glare and yell at the driver when, who do I make eye contact with? The man himself, Ben Folds, I almost got run over by Ben Folds. He smiled and waved at me and I proceeded to slap my husband in the arm, jump up and down and squeal like a girl, "Ben Folds, that's Ben Folds! He almost killed me!" OK, I'm such a girl, I know, but I was excited. I love Ben Folds.

Anyway. . .the concert was A-Mazing!! He played my favorite song, Smoke. The gorgeous arrangement brought tears to my eyes. Seriously, he is a gifted lyricist. There is nothing quite like hearing Landed or Stevens Last Night in Town with a full musical ensemble behind Ben and his magical piano. It reminded me of how much I love music and watching it live. I'm adding concerts to my list of things to do, instead of worrying about the things I can't do. I've been doing way too much of that lately and this was kind of a wake up call about that. I'm gonna get my lazy, sad tail off the couch and start living life. Alright all for now, time to take my tail back to work :)

Weekend Update

We just finished off a pretty crazy weekend. We've had a garage full of stuff to sale for like almost two years, I kid you not, so we decided Saturday morning to drag it all out at the crack of dawn and sell it. It's amazing the things people will buy for $1 but ask $2 and they drop it like it's hot. And we couldn't give away a couch, apparently free is too much too. We made out OK, nothing too big money wise, but every little bit helps.

Sunday we went over to a wedding shower for my SIL. I'm planning her next shower as we speak and I'm super excited about it. This one was a lot of fun, interesting to meet her new extended family. They told stories and laughed a lot (I was told they were the same stories that have been told hundreds of times). It's good to know that is universal. Come to my house in Georgia and your bound to hear at least one of the following:

• The time my mom half-way woke up in the middle of the night and tried to attack my sister and I with a high top Reebok.
• The time my sister walked full speed down our hallway without turning on the light and smacked face first into my brother's bedroom door because it was closed (and it is usually never closed).
• When my mom grabbed up my brothers half eaten steak and fed it to the dog and he came back to an empty plate.

Those are the most generic ones but I'm sure there's more. Check with my husband I'm sure he could tell you :)

Speaking of the Mr. I came up with a new nickname for him this weekend that's pretty fitting, he's now Captain Reiterator. Why you ask? Because he explains the punch line of jokes away, if you allude to a joke he can't handle it and will explain it in great detail and then laugh at himself. And now for those who know him, please point this out and use his new nick name appropriately.

That was pretty much it but I'm soooo tired now. . .more later when I've more interesting stuff to write.

FCHS

Do we ever really get over high school? It’s been almost 15 years since I graduated and things that happened in those 4 years still haunt me. I can remember the first time a boy ever crushed me by referring to me as a little sister and then dating a good friend younger than me, the first time my best girlfriend ripped me a new one for daring to have friendships outside our inner circle, the drum cadence from Friday night football games still plays in my ears, embarrassment still surfaces from the time a guy friend rejected me as a prom date and I ended up going solo with the girls, and this all feels like it happened yesterday. I can still feel the heart ache of wanting a guy to like me so badly and I’ve been married for over five years now. I still get a happy feeling in my heart playing over again a male classmate telling me I had pretty eyes, the first compliment I ever received from a non family member. I recall being paralyzed with fear because I had to do a class presentation, the same fear that appeared when I had to take any math final. It’s so strange how those few years can shape the person you are going to be. It instills the fears you’ll carry with you forever. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why. Bigger and better things have happened to me, but high school still floats right below the surface. So, why is it? Why don’t we ever get over high school?

The problem is. . .People

I check the e-mails that get sent in to the bank for general questions. Today I received the following e-mail and it made me remember how much I love demanding customers:

To Whom it May Concern:

My name is XXXXXX (see I protect the guilty) and I have an account at your bank. I need to open another account. I am coming on my lunch and would like most of the paper work filled out prior to my arrival.

So, let me get this straight, you think we're Burger King? You wanna have it your way. Pull up, sign a paper, and drive away. We should do that for everyone right. Spend our days doing paperwork before you get here, forget the people who actually sign in to see us and take the time to sit and open accounts. Gosh, we are really behind the times huh?

And then just to add insult to injury I had another customer come in with a problem that he was upset that I couldn't help him with. You see, he took out a loan with another bank and gave them permission to draft his checking account to pay on the loan. Well, he told them that now he doesn't have the funds to pay the loan so he wants them to stop trying to draft his account because they are causing him non sufficient fund fees with us. They, the mean bank, won't stop trying to take out the payment he owes them. His solution? For us to put a stop payment on the draft, which we won't do. His next solution? To close the checking account. Really? What is wrong with people?

Fashionable

I go to get a customer who has questions about a credit card and I wonder if the $5000 she wants to transfer here is a result of her questionable fashion sense. She was wearing a cute, plain charcoal dress but then. . . well the accessory aisle threw up on her. She adorned her hair with a headband made of a huge blue-green feather, had a turquoise shrug on her shoulders, a black and white gingham scarf, a gold bracelet on her right hand, and three noisy bracelets on her left (my favorite was the black and silver tiger whose teeth were the clasp of the bracelet) and she ended this hot mess with black tights splattered with blue, pink, white, and purple stripes. I've got news for her though, she's not different or an individual, she just dresses badly.

Reflection

My life is wonderful, perfect for me husband, great family, stable job, roof over my head, everything a person could want. When I look back at the journey that got me here, I'm proud. Proud of the decisions I made, proud of the ones I refused, and even thankful for the horrible stuff that made the person I am today. I often wonder if I've lost some of me over the years. Not my core beliefs or anything like that, but the fun/carefree me. I'm quicker to snap, get cranky and angry. I've always been bitter, but I used to have a lot more tolerance for people. I still have compassion but people just get under my skin. I hear about a lot of people's problems every day and I think my skin has just gotten really thick. I don't want to be this angry, tired, mopey person. It's weird, people will ask me what I've been doing or what's new in my life and all I have to offer right now is a litany of complaints about people, my job, etc. Where did the joy go? The love of life? What am I doing that makes it all so dark and depressing. I'm not this person. I've lost me somehow in the shuffle of "living life" of going to work and coming home and eating dinner and staring mindlessly at the TV. The outside world is a stranger, the confines of my office and my house have become my safety net. I'm super lazy right now and I'm not even sure when it happened. So, I'm gonna snap out of it. I'm tired of it. I'm so done with it. I'm going back to being me. Still bitter but hopefully happier...

It's the people, they are driving me crazy!!!!

So, Christmas has come and gone and the holidays are over. I'm kind of glad because all the traveling, food, family and fun kind of wore me out. But now, now the crazies are coming out full force and work and I'm not sure I'm mentally stable enough to handle it.

We have started volunteering to do taxes for people (note the word volunteer) at no cost. This is a wonderful service and great for people with low income but also very tedious and annoying. I'm not a CFP (and I'm losing the trial to be one) or accountant or even a tax professional yet people want me to magically make their returns huge. Here's a hint, if you got unemployment all year and paid no taxes on it, you aren't getting a refund. You can't get a refund of something you never paid. Hello. Are you listening?

Also, people seem to think we are in the habit of giving out interest free loans. They let their account get into the negative and call to complain about not having access to their NEGATIVE account. Apparently because they have a direct deposit coming in next Friday we should let them spend money they don't have because at some point they will have it. Have people lost their minds? I think the answer is simply yes, yes they have. It's not that hard to balance a check book. Add, subtract, come out with a balance, if you can't do it, then close your account immediately!

And people also seem to think that loans they do want, should be waiting here for them to just come grab. Like we are the freaking Burger King, yes have it your way. Let me serve you, I won't ask questions, that wouldn't make sense. Just pull forward and get your $10000.00 and fries. Hey, just because you've never paid anyone, ever that shouldn't mean you can't get a check too. I mean, we should help people right, especially people who don't want to help themselves or take any responsibility for themselves.

How do I know it's Christmastime???

• My sister and I got up at 3am already to go shopping on black Friday (for ourselves, not for presents that would be silly)
• My cat spent all day meowing at my Christmas village, tree, and empty boxes on Saturday
• My husband also yelled at said empty boxes for covering the entire house
• There is now Styrofoam covering my entire living room (see previously mentioned village)
• My Ipod is filled to the brim with my fav Christmas albums (ahhh Harry Connick Jr.)
• There were three different dips at my house Sunday for dip weekend (an official holiday kickoff)
• I've already had an altercation at Wal-Mart
• Most of my neighbors have blown up boxes of lights and blow up Christmaspalooza in their yards
• I've purchased wrapping paper and tape and set them neatly in front of my presents (which I will panic and wrap the day before I give them away)
• There are now 100s more cars on the road and none of them can drive
• All these drivers are also behind carts in stores and can't drive them either and clearly cannot see people walking in stores either

Bitter, yes, but still Thankful

It's Thanksgiving time, I'd like to take this opportunity to set aside my bitterness and share my gratefulness. I have an amazing husband, whom I love and adore. Meeting him changed my life and has made me a happier person. I am so thankful to have him in my life and I couldn't get through the day without him. I have an awesome family outside of him too. Two wonderful parents, who helped me become the person I am. A wonderful mom, who showed me how to work and raise a family. Something I hope and pray to do myself. A terrific dad, whom I praised in my last blog, so check it out. He's a great dad and I love them both so much. My sister and best friend, who keeps me sane and in check. What can I say about her that she doesn't already know. I'm so lucky to have her for a sister. She has four beautiful children and I love them all. Seeing them run up to me, give me a hug, talk to me on the phone, just blesses me and I often need it. They bring me a joy that I never knew could exist. (I suppose I should even be thankful for my brother in law here :) he's pretty cool too. I truly consider him my brother.). My actual brother has three gorgeous girls too, that I love and miss. Even with the rocky relationship I'm still glad he's my brother and I miss him too. My in laws are the best. I got lucky in that department. I have a great mom in law and dad in law. They've always treated me like one of the family and I truly feel like it. My sis in law, who's getting married in May, honored me with the title of Matron of Honor and I don't think she knows how much that meant to me. I love them all so much. I have a stable, secure job and a caring boss. I have friends at work and outside of work, a roof over my head, a cute little cat, and lots of love in my life at the end of the day. Happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone out there has tons to be thankful for too!

Happy Retirement Dad!

My dad gave me my first real job when I was about 16. He was the manager of our local grocery store and I decided I wanted to be a bagger (you know, that dude that bags your groceries and then is supposed to carry them to your car). And I was excited by the prospect of working and making money. Those few years I worked at the grocery store my job responsibilities changed as I worked longer. I worked in produce, as a cashier, bagger, stocker, basically a little bit of everything. I had one of the best times of my life. You can't imagine having so much fun ringing up groceries (I know sounds fun) as when you do and your dad is there. We'd take breaks together and he'd buy me a Mountain Dew and some peanut butter cheese crackers (I still eat that for breakfast and think of him every time I do). I have never been more appreciated as an employee than when I worked for him. He taught me so much as a teenager that I will always carry with me. One of my favorite job interview quotes is "my dad taught me to have a good work ethic" and it's so true. He taught me you don't call in because you "don't feel well," you don't pass the buck when something is your job, you help out your fellow co-worker, to always go the extra mile at work and always try to do a good job. I probably learned most of this because I wanted to impress my dad, because I was so impressed by him. He worked so hard his whole life to support us. He worked harder than anyone I knew and I wasn't about to work any less hard than him. These lessons are the reason I have the job I do now, the reason I've gotten so far. I get excellent reviews every year at work and I know for a fact that this is because my dad taught me how to be a good worker. I thank him every time I go in for an evaluation because I know he's the reason they always go so well. I always loved working with him and I know I never told him that enough. So, thank you daddy. Thanks for working hard to help me buy flag uniforms, go on school trips, buy gas money to drive your car, help pay for my college and the countless other things you helped me pay for. Thanks for showing me with your example how to work hard and be a caring and compassionate person. For being the best boss I've ever had and the hardest work I know. I love you so much and I'm so glad that after all this time you can take a break. And hopefully I can repay you for some of the gifts you've given me. Thank you for working hard and thank you even more for retiring. I cannot wait to see what we can do now that you are work free!

You're caller 10, how can I help you?

Me: Good morning, how can I help you?

AC (Annoying caller): Hey, I talked to you the other week about my account my name is annoying remember me?

Me: No, I'm sorry I don't but if you tell me what you need help with I'll be glad to try and assist you.

AC: I called and asked an annoying generic question and now I'm calling again to ask another generic question and get upset because you don't remember me.

Me: OK, I'll be glad to answer your generic question but it seems that my answer is only annoying you more. Let me give you the number of the actual department you need to speak to, who can give you the same answer again and see if that helps.

AC: Fine, what's the number.

Me: Here is the number stupid.

AC: So, was it actually you I spoke with the other week?

Me: I'm not sure I get several phone calls a day (try 15-20 a day, in addition to people I help in person) and I just don't remember.

AC: Well, isn't that just convenient? (and she hangs up).

Me: Yes, it is convenient. I actually remember you but don't want to help. It's not that your annoying and impatient and that I've helped a hundred people since I helped you and you didn't write down who you asked your generic question to. A question, might I add, that doesn't affect the amount of funds in your account, whether checks clear, or anything like that, no you just wanted me to remember you. Well, I don't and for me it's very convenient that you hung up.

Do you ever wonder...

What would happen if a bicyclist driving down the road fell over on his bike directly in front of you?

Why it is that girls wear low cut shirts showing off their cleavage and then pretend they didn't realize that was happening.

Why everyone has to be off on Fridays and why you're always the one to pick up the slack?

Why people don't listen to you, even though they know you are right, and would rather suffer than admit they are wrong?

What happened to Carmen Sandiago or Waldo?

Why people apply for loans when they have old loans they have never bothered to pay?

How they get the gum into the middle of the blow pop?

Why some people think the entire world revolves around them? And that EVERYTHING is about them?

Why I ramble on and on with random questions when I should be working?

Why people wear socks with sandals?

Birthday, The good, the bad, and the ugly...

I turned 32 on Wednesday, feels strange diving deeper into my thirties. I kind of always thought I'd be doing more with my life by now but I suppose what I've done so far isn't terrible. I've got a fantastic husband, great family, a home, a cute little kitty, overall a great life. I'm blessed : )
But birthdays make me ponder life and it's ok to get older I suppose...anyway here is a recap of my birthday, the good/bad/ugly style:

• Woke up early (bad) to Pat singing happy birthday (good) and saw my hair (ugly)
• Phone rang (bad) Daddy sang happy birthday and mom said happy birthday (good) and then remembered hair situation (ugly)
• Opened sweet card from mom and dad (good) check inside (not bad) smile on face (no ugly)
• Went to work (bad) no cake for birthday (bad) pineapple cake coming the next day for birthday (ugly/yuck)
• Got phone call from my sister wishing me happy birthday, phone call from in laws wishing me happy birthday, my nephew sang happy birthday (all good)
• Got flowers at work (good) they were broken in half (bad) had to tell Pat, he was not happy (ugly-for Pro Flowers anyway)
• Went to lunch with Pat (good) got CD at said lunch (not bad) sang on way back to work which I thought was lovely others might find it: (ugly)
• Worked all afternoon (no good, only ugly and bad...work is not good it's work)
• Left work (good) got presents at home (better) and cupcakes (awesome)
• Sweet nephews told me happy birthday (good)
• Went to eat at Outback (good) ate too much (bad) stomach bloated (ugly)
• Beautiful niece called to wish me happy birthday (good)
• Waited for my brother to call (bad) he did not (ugly) and still has not
• Went to bed (good) full of steak and potato and cupcake (better) fell asleep with gorgeous husband (best)
• Thursday was still my birthday, got a cupcake book from my sis in law (good) can't wait to make and eat lotsa cupcakes (bad) I'll be fat (ugly)

Overall I'd rate the day a 7, Pat thinks this is bad, but he's wrong. I had a great day with him, and only a few minor hiccups. I think I dwell on the bad too much anyway. Oh and today Paula bought me Subway and a cookie for b-day, so that was good too. I love birthdays, even if they mean I'm getting old.

Quick update: The brother finally called, a week late :)