Living Life in a 28-30 Day Cycle

(This post contains a lot of personal info, so read with caution.)

I've been living the past four years in a 28-30 day cycle. It starts off with me being full of hope, energized and ready to start anew. I start off focused, positive, lower my caffeine take, praying, hopeful, and ready to try. I time everything out, I know exactly what day I'm on in this cycle (even though I try to forget about it). I know what days we must try (even when we are taking a month off). Then I know when the waiting starts and I wait impatiently. Even though I know there's a negative answer coming, I still anticipate the answer. I hope, I pray, I hope, I wait, I pray some more, I pretend I don't care and I continue to wait. I fill the void, the never ending void, with food, clothes, TV shows, books, electronic gadgets, and anything else that will distract me for five minutes. I smile, I laugh, I listen, I give advice, I have polite conversation, and I work. I pretend I'm normal, I pretend nothing is wrong. I pretend it's not all I can think about. But it rings in my ears, it screams, when it's quiet it's all I can hear. All I can feel is the void, what's not there, what I want, what I can't have. It wears me out, makes me so tired, it stretches me thin. And then it happens, the failure, the let down, the heartache, the end of the cycle. It always happens, the answer is always no. At the end of the cycle the outcome hasn't changed, there's been nothing to hope for. I'm let down, I've let my husband down, and I've failed. It's a huge blow every 28-30 days (sometimes up to 33 days, because my body likes to get in on the hurt too). And it's been the same for almost 4 years now, almost 48 cycles. This is where I am, this is how I feel, and this is what never changes.

I can tell you for approximately the last four years when I'm supposed to get my period, when I am supposed to ovulate, when my two week wait is, and when I'm supposed to try. I can tell you every time I've failed, every month it hasn't happened. I can tell you without fail that if I'm 2-3 days late I'll pee on a stick and cry when there a negative result. I can also tell you that about four hours after peeing on a stick I'll get my period because it happens every time. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm running out of hope, I'm beaten down, and it sucks. It's awful. I hate it. And I know someone who feels exactly like I do and I love him so much it just makes the pain that much worse. There's nothing to say, nothing to take the pain away, it is what it is. And that is what makes it hurt the worst.